TGITA Ep 3...

Dear Diary...

Ah...my first army excursion with the platoon to the woods. An excursion filled with exciting sights, sounds, dirt and stupidity. Well...come to think of it, it was not so much of sights and sounds because all you could see was green and brown (including your mates) and "Kroo! Kroo! Kroo!". So it was all dirt and stupidity.

Our objective: learn how not to die early, when going to war, in the woods of Singapore.

Method of achieving objective: Use leaves and other natural stuff so that the so called 'enemy' would not be able to see you that easily.

Hmm...sounds easy enough. But it's always easier said than done.

After listening to a lecture filled with grammatical errors and limited vocabulary, sitting on damp grass and playing with the grasshoppers, our soaked bums finally got a rest from taking in all that water through their cheeks. However, such a relief was short lived.

"OK GENTLEMEN! GET READY TO GO INTO THE WOODS! WHILE WE WAIT FOR THE SUN TO SET, TOUCH UP ON THAT CAMOUFLAGE OF YOURS! SOME OF YOU LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE A P*$%* ON YOUR FACE! ALL PINK AND STUFF!"

Ok...that wasn't necessary.

"AND SOME INSECT REPELLANT TOO! UNLESS YOU WANT THE MOSQUITOES TO GET FAT AND HAPPY!"

Right. So we went about our business until..."AH!!!!!!!! SARJEN (Actual spelling is sergeant)! LIONEL (Not his real name. Even if it was, you wouldn't know.) IS PUTTING INSECT REPELLANT IN HIS EYES!" And the sergeant said "HUH?!" and dashed towards him like a kindergarden teacher to a boy who just swallowed his bottle of art glue. "SIAO BOH!" "HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!" "CONFIRM BLIND ONE LIKE BIRD!" said the rest. "YOU CRAZY OR WHAT?! AND WHY YOUR FACE ALL BLACK?! GREEN FIRST LAH A**, THEN BLACK!" scolded the sergeant.

Oh yeah, before I go on further, the reason why all the speech bubbles are in capital letters is because everyone's shouting.

"OUCH!" I screamed. "STOP LAH!" "WHAT'S GOING ON NOW?! OI!" said sergeant. " HE'S POKING MY BUTT WITH THE BARREL OF HIS RIFLE AND HEADBUTTING IT AS WELL SARJEN!" I said. "OI! STOP IT! STOP IT! BEFORE YOU SLEEP OVER THIS WEEKEND! NOW SHUT UP! SHUT UP! THE SUN IS SETTING!" So, we paid our respects to the setting sun, or according to the army, practice our night discipline, and kept quiet. So far, it was already night but we were not disciplined.

"SHHHH!" as we went into the woods. "shut up lah...." "Eeee, but got shit..." "WHERE?! WHERE?!" "i said shut up right..." "how you know it's shit...not smelly what..." "but it's different in colour from the mud..." " oi! i said shut up right..." "SHHHH!!!!!"

A few minutes later..."Eeee...got centipede! Got centipede!" "WHERE?! WHERE?!" "eh! you all ah...where's your night discipline...?! Better shut up before you get it from me back at the company line you understand...! Centipede never disturb you what...! You get scared for what...?!"

After that fiasco, it was time to go back. "you, you, you and you...take out your torchlights. put it on your helmets." "eh! don't shine the lights at my eyes leh...
!" "where sia my torchlight...?!" "point the torchlight forward lah...point upwards for what...?! Want to see bird ah...?!" "hehehehehehehe..." "oi...! put torchlight also want to make noise...! it's still dark you know...!" "SHHHH!!!!" "so much noise lah...! Go back confirm kena one...!"

And guess what? We were in trouble because we slept quite late that night. And we slept with aching muscles- not from the excursion but from doing all those push-ups that followed.

Yours truly
TGITA